Growing up Mormon, I believed God and Jesus expected a great deal of me. It was a burden I experienced with great deliberation and weight. It put my tender heart in a state of constant anxiety. I would find moments of relief, as one was meant to, but always was that expectation there of perfection. Always hummed the need of obedience, compliance, stead-fastness. Hell loomed large for me as a child. Every wicked thought that crossed my mind was a nail in my personal cross. I often drowned in agony of insecurity and doubt and self-hatred. But growing older has its advantages. Learning other ways. Exploring the beliefs of others in the world can help separate one from the rigid believes of being raised in a one-religion, one-sacred book, one-god religion. I never adopted another religion after leaving Mormonism, but saw them merely as fingers pointing at the moon — "The finger that points at the moon, is not the moon," Zen Koan.
Here is a poem dealing with this struggle and the added perspective of growth and age...
If God saw through your eyes
what would He change?
would his commandments matter
if he wore your shoes?
If he cried your tears
would he understand?
Would he pass no more judgment?
would he require no more of you?
If god saw through your eyes
would she contain that blood
throbbing in your veins?
would she cradle that child?
hold your head close to her heart?
if god saw through your eyes
would he come down off his throne
spend a day in a body
broken
disfunctional
a mind enslaved
drugged
and still expect himself to rise above?
If god saw through your eyes
would she send you away
give you a weekend
wrap your body in a grove of trees
massage your hands
bathe burning feet in a cool spring?
If god saw through your eyes
would he kneel at the side of your bed
and say:
I’m sorry
For what I said
For everything you thought I wanted of you
Rest
my sweet friend
taking on this flesh
was more than enough
If god saw through your eyes
would she
say: Forget It
you’re coming home
you’ve done enough
no more guilt
no more shame
no more hurt
no more pain
There is beauty here
and you deserve it all
I never required anything of you
I’m sorry you ever thought so…
SMC May 1, 2016 ©
image sarahjoyyoga
